The Professional Jealousy Bind

 

Do you ever find yourself feeling jealous or envious of another person's success? They may even be someone you like and admire, but on occasion, you start to compare yourself to them and wonder why you're not having the same result as they are - even when you've been trying similar tactics. This topic has come up in three recent conversations with close friends and colleagues. I was happy to find that I wasn't alone in my experience of professional jealousy, but I also felt like I needed to poke around in the weeds around the issue to see what I could see. 

Speaking only from my experience, jealousy is a painful emotion and is often the first symptom I notice when I feel stuck in some part of my life - especially my business. Jealousy is one of the emotions that I call a binder - I freeze in my tracks, and my ability to create, connect, and support is difficult, if not impossible, to access.

Jealousy is an emotion that sometimes masks itself in my awareness. It's not an easy feeling to have, and it's also not something I'm quick to own or admit. I remember a crisis counselor I used to work with who said that jealousy is like an iceberg. The behaviors we see above the surface are criticism, judgment, bitterness, complaining, and, in severe cases, bigotry and hatred - I know in my case, I've learned how to be perfectly two-faced, congratulating people on the outside while seething within. But as we go more deeply below, we find other emotions hiding there. Under the surface, we can feel a deep sense of fear - usually of scarcity or lack. Still deeper, we may find rage; on the deepest level, we may find a horrible sense of shame - an enduring sense of worthlessness. Everyone I've talked to about it has a somewhat different experience of what happens above and below, but these are the behaviors and feelings most familiar to me.

Warning Signs

Since I'm not quick to recognize and admit that I'm feeling jealous, there are a few warning signs I've started to see as red flags. A good example is when I'm scrolling through Instagram, and I see posts from other coaches celebrating their success and making it appear easy and effortless, and my first reaction is to scroll past as quickly as I can, or I want to avoid looking at their success. Another warning sign for me is when I obsess about a person who seems to be doing really well, and I can't shake the negative feelings. One common situation is when I struggle to find new clients, but other people using the same tools and methods as me fill their calendars with no problem. I notice myself feeling angry, resentful, and anxious well before I admit that I'm feeling jealous.

Some of the emotional accessories that can accompany jealousy are equally challenging and can also serve as warning signs. Desperation, neediness, urgency, anxiety, agitation, and irritability are some that I experience. Other times, I can feel myself checking out - finding ways to escape or feeling unfocused and foggy - like leaving the room while I'm still in it, or zoning out in conversations when I need to be listening.

Jealousy as an Alarm Instead of THE Problem

I'm not categorizing jealousy as a problem. It's an emotion. I think we're asking for trouble when we label emotions as problems because emotions are just physical reactions to our perceptions and circumstances. The associated behaviors can have problematic consequences, but the emotions themselves aren't a problem as much as they are an alarm. As I said, jealousy is painful. Something there needs to be seen and healed, but the jealousy is just the alarm. 

I also don't categorize jealousy as an ego problem. Yes, the ego is involved. Its job is self-preservation and protection. It is designed to react to these kinds of stimuli. Again, the behavior may have negative consequences, but the ego is just doing what it is made for. It's a wonderful servant and a horrible master.

Jealousy is one of the emotions connected to our human survival mechanism. You may have heard about the part of your brain called the limbic system, AKA the reptilian brain. This was the earliest part of the human brain to evolve; its sole job was to monitor the environment for threats. Whether a threat is perceived as real or not, the limbic system floods the body with hormones that put it on high alert, and our immediate reactions are what we've come to call fight, flight, freeze, or cling. The emotions associated with this hormonal surge are some of our favorites - terror, rage, and, yes, jealousy. 

While I consider jealousy more of a symptom than the problem itself, I think it's important to see that my behavior isn't probably in the best interest of my long-term business goals when I'm in a limbic reaction mode. If I'm constantly in a state of self-preservation and protection, I'm not accessing the deeper wells of creativity and capability I need to thrive. That is really the problem.

What is Jealousy Alerting Us To?

The answer to this question will likely take some exploration, and there may be many answers. Again, from my experience, jealousy is often in reaction to circumstances like these:

• I am not getting something that I legitimately need.
• I perceive the other person or my circumstances as a threat to my livelihood and well-being.
• I am faced with letting go of something I believe is a critical component of my life.
• I am feeling out of control in some areas of my life.
• I don't have enough of a necessary resource.
• I'm grieving the loss of something or someone important to me.
• I'm terrified of a certain outcome - being alone, failing, embarrassment, shame, and not surviving.
• Jealousy is often accompanied by exhaustion, loneliness, and depression. I don't have enough energy to cope with my circumstances.

Most often, when I dig into my own jealousy, I find an excruciating sense of scarcity and lack - the experience of not having enough of something I need and the belief that I'll never have enough, no matter how hard I try. Add to that an unshakeable feeling of worthlessness, and you have a jealousy cocktail. Again, I'm not hanging my hat on belief being the problem, either. It is just a thought construct I've habitually crafted. This isn't just a recent pattern; it's been an occasional companion since before I had words to articulate it. 

Why I Don't Try To Change My Mindset

Mindset has become the knee-jerk answer to every problem in the self-help universe over the past decade or so. Just change your mindset, and everything else will follow right along with it. This idea is popular and may be very true for people who don't struggle with shame-based feelings and behaviors. But I haven't found mindset shifting a helpful method at all. When I'm in the throes of emotions like jealousy, changing the way that I think or readjusting my belief system is way out of reach. I could give a rat's ass if I operate from a growth or fixed mindset. I'm in pain here!

Additionally, I see mindset as an effect and not a cause. My thinking is a part of the equation, but it's not the causal part. Most of the time, I have a positive and optimistic belief system. But that is a result more than it is a reason. My beliefs fluctuate. My thoughts, beliefs, and mindset are a real-time reaction to the fixation of my attention. My experience of life is being constructed moment by moment by the focus of my attention. My mindset is a narrative I make up about the construct I'm fixated on. If I'm focused on the construct that life is a zero-sum game and that I am destined to be on the losing side of the equation, I'll experience thoughts and feelings that reinforce that. Noticing and acknowledging the fixation is the beginning of its release, but even noticing may be out of reach may in the throes of a limbic episode.

Challenging My Own Misconceptions

It's tempting to point the finger at all the external circumstances as being the cause of my jealousy, but I have to make sure to remember what is actually true.

• The person I am feeling jealous of has nothing to do with how I feel. They are not the cause of anything within me. 
• My triggers don't exist outside of my own mind and consciousness. They're not a separate reality.
• The feelings I'm having are not anyone else's responsibility.
• I'm not a slave to my habitual reactions. I can learn and integrate new responses.

So What Can I Do About My Jealousy?

I'm not going to tell you I have an easy or clean fix. These emotions are messy and uncomfortable, and it would be dishonest to say that I handle them gracefully. That said, here are the steps I've been learning to take:

1. Recognize the early warning signs - the earlier, the better. If I feel myself reacting to other people's good news with any other reaction than pure happiness, I may want to check under my hood. If I avoid looking at what they're celebrating, if I'm critical or judgemental, if I'm questioning why I can't have what they've gotten - these are about the earliest signs I can see.
2. Stop. Really, stop everything. Put the phone down, turn the computer off, and pull the car over. Stop.
3. Loosen my muscles and breathe slowly to calm myself. I also find that softening the tension around my eyes is helpful. 
4. Notice the fixation. In times like this, my attention acts like a zoom lens on a camera and becomes hyper-focused on what I'm bothered by. I can feel when my attention is highly focused or expanded. Noticing the fixation allows my attention to then expand into my larger field of awareness. This isn't a thinking exercise or shifting your attention to another focus. It's a simple decision to allow your attention to open wider. When I'm feeling jealous, I often fixate on something I don't have at that moment - money, clients, opportunity, visibility, justice - it can be anything. Releasing isn't replacing one object with another. It's actively opening or relaxing my awareness to a much larger space. My mindset will eventually change on its own. With practice, this happens more easily, but it might take some effort at first. A simple rule of thumb - if you are still feeling angry, jealous, fearful, or out of control, give it more time. You'll know it's released when those feelings subside, and a feeling of calm centeredness arises.
5. Wait a while before you try to make any changes or decisions. When you've been keyed up with limbic system madness, you may find it helpful to wait for a period before you try to analyze or fix your situation. Take a walk, read something trashy and entertaining, and really give yourself some time to not think about your triggers.
6. When you're feeling more in your strength, spend some time imagining what you really want. What was it you thought they had that you wanted. Just identify what you really were upset about not having. As your desire becomes more clear, start to envision yourself as if that desire was perfectly fulfilled. Feel the emotions that go along with the fulfillment - contentment, competence, confidence, peace, maybe even elation. I find it helpful to write these visions down in crystal clear detail. It's important to remember that desiring good things for yourself is not shameful. 
7. In those cases, when you are actually going through a loss that triggers jealousy, finding help with the grieving process might be most helpful. I have a few people I trust enough to call when I'm going through these kinds of losses; they are a godsend. If you don't have anyone like this in your life, crisis services may be available where you are. In the US, there's a 24-hour hotline that is free for anyone to call if they are going through an emotional challenge. Dial 988 from anywhere in the US to access. You may remain anonymous.

This is far from an exhaustive exploration of a complex subject, but my hope here was to let you know that if you're feeling jealous of others' success, you're not alone, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. Humans have protection systems built in. I also wanted to acknowledge that emotions like jealousy are painful and uncomfortable, but we do have ways to release and relieve ourselves without embarrassment or getting arrested. Mostly, I want to convey that jealousy doesn't need to keep you in a disempowered place with your creativity or business. 

If you'd like more information or some non-therapeutic feedback and support, I invite you to schedule a free, one-hour Best Next Step coaching session to start the conversation. https://bit.ly/BestNextStepCall